I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
