he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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