My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
