I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
