oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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