You can't special order awesome
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
