You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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