omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
