What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
