this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
