I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
