so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
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Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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