my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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