Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
