Can i not drive my cunt home
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
