Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
