i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
