There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
