I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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