just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
