just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
