you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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