Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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