I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come share oat with me in your robe
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm like, not good at living.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize