how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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