and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
