gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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