I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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