I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
