I think im going to throw up on grandma
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
