Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
