I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
of course. lets lasso hookers.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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