today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
