She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients