I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
