Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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