she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
