did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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