sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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