I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
