What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
you made out with another girl for some wings
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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