LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
