My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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