We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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