hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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