he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
