But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
