You're my little dorito
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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