Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
