george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
