my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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