my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
