wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
