I think I died a long time ago.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
