Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
