I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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