so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize