had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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