I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
