Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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